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M.J. [userpic]

Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.

November 15th, 2006 (09:55 pm)

feeling: indescribable
music and such: Lonestar

yesterday, i was searching for different tapes and cd's to warmup in the car with on saturday, which is my interview/audition for montclair at like 9:15 am (wish me luck i feel like i need it). i found all my tapes from the concerts and recitals i did at rvcc, man, what good songs we did, and i sang in recitals, and i usually dont like hearing myself sing bc im my worst critic, i miss some of that, the songs and music i mean. and it just goes to show ya and myself how much crap i was in musically. i even found stuff from my region choir auditions, and even a judges tape from when we did jeykll and hyde in marching band my first year, that was some kickass music especially the percussion solo in confrontation. anyway, i was looking for a specific tape, the tape of tony's speech he said at the academic awards dinner (more like dessert), and i stumbled across pictures of my last year in marching band, it was pictures of band camp. i have a picture of our cabin, "Cardinals", i was in that cabin for the 5 years i was in marching band. marching band was pretty much my life in the fall. i found two pictures i thought was interesting. one was all the girls in the cabin, which was pretty much the senior girls cabin. i look at it and go, "wow i was with these girls for about 5 years give or take, bc some of them were not in mb since 8th grade. wow it doesnt even look like im smiling, i feel like i was giving a fake smile." i dunno, maybe i was. then the second photo was all the seniors in marching band, which consisted of the 10 girls and 2 guys. im pretty much standing on the side next to will, and im not even smiling. it felt like i wasnt part of the seniors of mb. i was usually in another cabin, not even my own, i was usually with the guys hangin out with them, or even the underclassmen. then i watched the video that we got at the band banquet, it shows parts of band camp, and i look at warm ups in the beginning and im in the back i think with no seniors, just in the back stretching, then it shoots to pretty much the senior girls cabin, they're all emotional, and there is a part where its just the senior girls cabin and their takin a picture, and i notice that i am not in that picture....they show it a couple of times too, and im the one who is not really cryin, im just hugging everyone, not emotional. yea i was there for 5 years and i really didnt care that i wasnt coming back ever again. for the picture, i thought maybe i was the one takin the picture, but i thought why would i be the one takin the picture when its a picture of the senior girls, then i realized i must have been in the guys cabin or somewhere not there. every time i see that i go, and look im not in that picture isnt that funny, and i wanted to be voted senior rep that year, and it seemed like i got shot in the back, bc we had it planned, but that fell thru, we had who we were gonna vote for, but then someone didnt get voted for something, so it felt like now that that happened i didnt have a chance in hell. well, thats all in the past. i felt like i wasnt really part of that group anyway, i felt kinda outta the loop sometimes, but what am i gonna do, thats all in the past. and i dont care, well i do, a little bit. high school was interesting, i mean im happy i got and did some things, but sometimes i just, i dunno wish i did some things differently, but now that hs is over im happy the way my life is going rite now. things are going in the right direction, i think things happen for a reason and they we learn from them. so i am not complaining, i dont think i was complaining before i was just expressing myself. all i know is the journey is written out not the destination, or is it i choose my own destiny, or there is a fine line between coincidence and fate....i dont remember...oh well. i hope y'all catch my drift. i was also thinking about the first time i performed in Bye Bye Birdie, i played Helen, and one of the few sopranos (ok, pretty much the only one) who could and was allowed to hit the top notes in all the songs. I realized that it seemed like didnt really have a part, i wasnt even in the second act except for maybe the last scene, the reason for that was bc i was in region choir again and rehearsals were at the same time, so i think they just didnt want to teach me the dance steps and blocking, oh well, i kinda wasnt really pleased with that performance that much, then the second time i did the show, i had an actual part, ok it was Mrs Merkle, but still i had lines and was in the show, and i liked the cast much better in this one than the last one, i dunno, i think it was the atmosphere and there was no high school drama, and i think i will be friends with this cast for a long time, than i was with the first cast, i mean im still friends with a select few from the first bye bye birdie, but i dont think i talk to them as much as i do the second cast. i think the best shows (musicals) i did, which was 4, was Working (RVCC) and Bye Bye Birdie (Talent Time) why bc of the cast and we had some kickass performances and i had fun doing it and i was a part of it, i wasnt just in the background singing i was doing shit. yay for those two performances :). okay i think i am done with my rambling, so i will leave you with these a couple words of wisdom:

~ Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?

~ Difficult times call for unique measures.

~ For what we do in life echoes in eternity.

the other day or so, i was reading my past blogs that i have done, and wow.....as i read them i think, my god, i cant believe i wrote that and saying like omg, what was i thinking. thats all in the past now, i am a new person, and i like the way i am now. i think i can say that i have changed this year, and thats a good thing. change is healthy and sometimes a good thing. my life is going in the right direction, so far. made new friends during the summer, kept and still keeping in touch with some of them. and i look back to when i was still at rvcc and del val, and think of all the peoplei was friends with during that time. wow, i hardly see any of them, or even talk to them, i mean i try to keep in contact with them, but i dunno. it seems like we parted ways and are on different paths now, and it will take some time to get back on the same page. i converse and hang out with a few of them, when theyre home from college or they didnt go to college. and i can say that i am kinda glad to be outta rvcc, so many things happened there. i mean there were some good things, being in the wonderful music program, jamming with other musicians in ensemble collaborations class, and of course the musical, "Working". i think back and look at all the people i met, and right now one name stands out in my head, some of you (esp. lynda) knows who i am talking about. he was a pure asshole and yea, i dont say that about many people, but he really was. i dunno why i was ever friends with him. anyway other than that lovely incident, it was a wonderful experience. i have come to the conclusion that this summer helped me grow more. i actually had a summer of fun, i did things other than work, and maybe go out with my friends (which was like maybe 3 times during the whole summer). virginia with lynda, lisa, and mike was awesome, i definetly needed that little vacation. talent time was the best, especially the people i became friends with. i loved it. even went to wonderful weddings and was in one in may. yay for weddings esp with paul, julie and mike <3. so far everything is going my way, right now i found someone that treats me wonderfully, i love going out with him, he is the greatest. but i dont want to jinx it so i will knock on wood (*knocks). ok, better. i think i might have found what i have been looking for, i just didnt realize it till now. i was wandering trying to find my place and i think i found it, i hope im not wrong, bc i like it here, i think ill stay.

thank you to all who are in my life now, i love you all. those who are in my past life, i miss you, and i still love you.

sorry for my ramblings, i write what is on my mind, if it makes sense or not. i just wanted to say that to all who read my blogs.